Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Florida Gators News

The Florida Gator in its natural form:  A laughing stock.

            Based in Gainesville, Gateway to Panama City Beach. 
            Gainesville is most famous for being the breeding ground of 98 percent of the world’s mosquitoes.  The downside is that UF is the only major university in the western hemisphere in which you can major in malaria.
They play in a stadium affectionately known as ‘The Swamp,’ named by Coach Steve Spurrier in 1991.  He said a swamp is where gators live and is “hot and sticky and can be dangerous,” which is why he originally planned to call it ‘The Beehive’ before changing his mind.
 The Swamp is perpetually wet and before each game is drained of excess water and IQ points. Built in 1930 it is also known by the tongue-twister of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium at Florida Field and since 1990 it’s the hardest stadium for a visiting team to say three times fast and get a win in. Ben Hill Griffin Jr. was a Gator fan known for his big heart, which he kept in his wallet.
The first game in the stadium was against Bama and was called by soon-to-be- legendary baseball broadcaster Red Barber, who was a UF student.  Barber would return 61 years later for the dedication of the north end zone addition.  They wanted to save him for something really special, but he came to this event anyway.
The first night game was played in 1950 against the Citadel.  After several students were attacked by night-feeding alligators, lights were installed.
An artificial surface was put down in 1971 and immediately melted.
Florida fans are easy to spot in any crowd.  They’re the ones wearing a bright blue and orange t-shirt and jean shorts, otherwise known as ‘jorts.’
            Jorts are known throughout the South, but have been raised to a new level of haute debauchery in Gatorland.  Most Gator fans wear blue jeans that their Momma actually cut off with her good sewing scissors, giving them that white, stringy, lived-in look.  The barbecue and beer leakage stains help with that look.  But recently you’ve been able to tell those Gators who come from money.  They actually buy their freshly-pressed jorts right off the rack at Marshall’s, giving them that “Wranglers for Poor Midgets” look.
            For the 89 percent of Gator fans who really do live in a swamp, actual alligators are used.  New jeans are mixed with deer hinds and thrown in the reptiles’ midst.  The ensuing melee renders up this fashion statement.  Students from the animal husbandry program are used to retrieve the jorts.  Like most programs at Florida it’s easy to get in, but a bitch to get out of…alive.
            The official gear of the Florida fan is jorts and a tube top.  For the women as well.
            Florida has dominated the Southeastern Conference in the last two decades, which has led to drastic measures being taken by other rivals.  The SEC’s two most prominent agricultural schools, Georgia and Auburn, have colluded to try and bring about an end to all real gators by introducing the Burmese python into the waters of the Everglades, although the jury is still out whether this bold move will bring about any change on the gridiron.  A move to throw the deadly snakes into the Florida huddle itself was vetoed by school presidents on a vote of 7 to 4, with Vanderbilt abstaining, just like they do every Saturday.
            As I said, the Gators have done a lot of winning these past two decades, outside of a curious allergic reaction to Ole Miss.
            Florida did not know about football until Steve Spurrier arrived in the 1960’s and won a Heisman all by himself as quarterback.  After he left school they forgot about football until his return in 1990 as coach.  After finally getting the hang of it they’ve decided to keep playing the game even after he left to tilt at windmills in the NFL.
            Coach Spurrier was known for throwing his visor onto the ground whenever he was angry with his quarterback.  Subsequently, there are no known photos of Steve wearing a visor.
            They have three national titles, 1996, 2006 and 2008, with eight SEC championships.  Their colors are blue and orange, simple colors for simple fans.  Keeping with the simple theme, their fight song is ‘Orange and Blue.’
            Their annual tilt with Georgia is held around Halloween and usually in the ‘neutral’ site of Jacksonville, even though the town is in the state of Florida, which should be a clue even to Bulldog fans that it ain’t so neutral.  For years real Americans called the game ‘The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party,’ a huge orgy known for its hardcore drinking and public nudity on the banks of the St. John’s River.  Half the population of south Georgia and north Florida can likely trace its conception to this party. Then political correctness swept the nation like a virus and the name was dropped by both schools, but not the fans.  
     If you like what you've read so far just wait until you see the rest of what I have to say about Florida.  And all the other SEC schools, as well as FSU, Clemson, Georgia Tech, Texas and Texas A&M!
    For just 99 cents, that's the price of a Whopper Jr., you can get 'The Totally Biased Guide to Southern College Football' by Pete Davis on amazon.com's Kindle.  You can also read it on your PC, Mac, iphone, ipad or smartphone.  Just go to amazon.com/dp/B005FRFMYW or go to amazon.com and look up 'The Totally Biased Guide to Southern College Football' by Pete Davis.  
    You'll finally have all the ammo you'll need to shutup those obnoxious Gators and all the other fans too.amazon.com/dp/B005FRFMYW

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