This is an excerpt from the book 'The Totally Biased Guide to Southern College Football' by Pete Davis, available for just 99 cents on Amazon.com's Kindle at: amazon.com/dp/B005FRFMYW
TEXAS A&M AGGIES
Based in College Station, Gateway to Boot Camp.
In 1957 Texas A&M Coach Bear Bryant had five of his own players executed for sneaking a swig of water during practice. Even he realized that was a tad over the line and resigned to take the Alabama job, where such practices are not only still accepted but encouraged.
John David Crow cracking up the Heisman Trophy voters with his "Two-Face" routine.
Aggies are known for their colorful and politically correct chants. When they play Rice they have one they use against the Owls. It goes something like this: “What comes out of a Chinaman’s ass? Rice! Rice!”
No wussy pep rallies here, they have yell practices at midnight before home games in the stadium and thousands attend. There is a lot of humping going on during this time, but not because it’s at night. Humping at A&M is when you lean forward and put your hands above your knees and yell. This is reason number two why the pregnancy rate at this school is below the national average.
When yell practice is over they turn the lights out and two cannons go off. Then all Aggies kiss their dates and several thousand small cannons go off. If you don’t have a date then you flick your lighter, so to speak, to look for a willing partner. A school where mating rituals copy the lightning bug may have trouble breeding.
The school started admitting women in 1973. They still haven’t received the memo that good-looking girls can attend now too.
In fact, the best-looking girl on campus is Reveille the collie mascot. This is reason number one why the pregnancy rate is so low in College Station. Reveille is a five-star general and even attends classes. If she barks during a class it has to be cut short.
During games all Aggies kiss their dates after every score. Reveille hides after every score.
A&M was a member of the now defunct Southwest Conference, joining in 1915. They have one national title and play at Kyle Field, which used to be known as Kyle Maclachlan Field in honor of the fine talents of the actor in such works as ‘Twin Peaks’ and ‘Blue Velvet.’ But late one Friday night some students happened to catch his stumbling debut in the horrific ‘Dune’ movie from the 1980s and voted to remove most of his name forthwith.
A&M has one Big 12 title in 1998 and 17 championships of the old Southwest Conference beginning in 1917 when some opponents supplemented their meager rosters with roadrunners and rattlesnakes.
The stadium seats over 80-thousand and the student body stands for the entire game due to constipation problems brought on by their corn-fed diet. Aggies are known as the ‘12th Man,’ even the women, which a closer glimpse soon shows why.
This tradition began in 1922 when a tough game brought the Aggies close to running out of healthy players. Student E. King Gill was called down to the field by Coach D.X. Bible and told to don football gear and get a second initial. He did and waited on the sidelines, never playing, but ever ready. Afterwards the coach and all the ‘real’ players got a good laugh about punking Gill.
A walk-on student gets to wear number 12 and participate in kickoff coverage. Coach Jackie “Probation” Sherrill used to let all the players on his kickoff cover team be walk-ons. Then again, he let players do a lot of things other coaches cringe at.
Within the Corps of Cadets, seniors can wear knee-high brown leather boots known as ‘Senior boots,’ a style made popular in the 1930s by New Jersey State Patrol Motorcycle Units and Italian fascists. These cost about a thousand dollars, roughly the annual income of an Aggie alumnus. When needing help removing their boots seniors yell “I need a fish!” On most campuses this would bring: A) Startled looks. B) A fish. C) A visit from the local N.O.W. chapter. But in College Station it brings freshmen, and in the same over-exuberant and naïve tradition of E. King Gill many of them come running and fighting amongst each other for the privilege to help the senior out of his boots. What comes off after that is a case for the authorities.
If you like what you've read so far then read the rest of it in 'The Totally Biased Guide To Southern College Football' by Pete Davis, available now for the price of a Whopper Jr. on Amazon.com's Kindle at:
amazon.com/dp/B005FRFMYW
My Aggies friends will like this. They loved the one from yesterday.
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